Intro

Hi, I'm Tim (39), welcome to my blog.  I have recently found out I probably have Aspergers Syndrome, which is on the Autism Spectrum - although at this time I am not diagnosed.  I have always struggled with people and social situations, and increasingly became more withdrawn and isolated but did not understand why I was not like other people.  Fortunately, I met my girlfriend online and she has similar problems and may also be an Aspie (but also not yet diagnosed).  My problems are many and varied, but the following sums them up - other Aspies will probably relate to some/all of these.

• Poor verbal communication, both speaking and understanding people correctly.  I'm naturally softly spoken (unless I force loudness consciously) so people either don't hear me properly, or don't hear me at all - this can lead to me repeating myself, and I don't always think to speak louder to make myself clear.  I struggle to talk to people properly, I don't have endless things to talk about like most people - apart from my 'special interests' which I can bore people to death with.  I really find it hard to initiate conversations, and tend to blank people most of the time - which is very isolating at work/socially.

•  My written communication is better, which is why I can write this blog without too much difficulty - however, I constantly edit/rethink what I'm writing so it takes me a long time, and sometimes I give up as I don't feel its good enough for others to read.  I much prefer to text or email people than call them, as I can take the time to make sure I say all I need to say.  As a child my writing was a mess and I struggled with spellings and grammar - until I went to college and tried harder, although I did write completely in capitals to make things easier and faster (don't know why but it did help).  I've since reverted to normal case, although I do slip back into the old habit know and then.  To make matters worse I'm also left-handed (for writing, though ambidextrous for most things) which has always caused problems - at primary school the headmaster said left-handing writing doesn't exist, so I was forced to write right-handed for a while.
•  Poor/intermittent memory.  I say poor, but I actually have an amazing sponge-like memory that soaks up all kinds of facts, figures, trivia - which sounds useful but theres a catch - I sometimes have problem recalling things from memory, and I can even forget mid-sentance what I was going to say.  My recall is also eratic - sometimes I can remember things instantly, whereas other times it takes a while or never comes, sometimes I panic and guess what I was trying to remember and that can be embarrassing.
• Difficulties learning things.  I find I only really learn things properly if I take my time and go over things several times until it makes sense - which I couldn't really do at school.  Sometimes I am able to quickly pick things up by myself, but if I'm shown what to do I can't really focus or grasp it straight away - meaning I either have to ask them to show me again, or I have a go and make myself look stupid by guessing.  I've actually taught myself various programming languages but I don't know enough about any of them to be competent, and I struggle with adding remarks to explain my code - I find it hard to summarise code into plain English, as it makes more sense to me in code form!
• Logical and literal thinking.  I struggle with all things illogical (like most people) which is why my 'special interest' has always been computers - they are inherently logical, even if sometimes appearing illogical (crashes, lock-ups), so I know where I am with them.  People on the other hand are inherently illogical, its not easy to predict what anyone will say or do - so get anxious around people I haven't 'worked out'.  I include myself in that, though I'm probably quite predictable and dull to 'normals'.  I struggle with sarcasm (even though I've learnt to be sarcastic myself) and never quite know if it was meant as a joke or not - which makes me really anxious.  I also get anxious when I don't understand someone straight away, it can take me a long time (minutes, hours, day, weeks, even months!) to process what they said and make sense of it. I kind of investigate all possible meanings and interpretations and try and find the best fit - though I usually jump to the wrong conclusion based on low self-esteem, or fear. 
• Meltdowns and shutdowns.  I've only just learnt about these, and realised my life has been littered with them.  I've mostly experienced shutdowns, where I just hide away from the world until I have processed everything and either made sense of things - or given up trying to.  However, I've had a few meltdowns where I 'explode' and drag up everything thats not made sense and throw it all into the mix - even if not relevant or helpful.
• Perfectionism.  I tend to do things only if I can do them 'perfectly' - I know I judge myself too harshly at times, but I know most people are judgemental.  I also feel I make too many mistakes and can come across as incompetent, so I try to cover things up in an attempt to appear perfect.  I've tried taking up art, but I struggle to paint as perfectly as the images in my head - or fail to put down my ideas as perfectly as I would like.  Its just too painful for me to be expressive, in whatever form - and it makes me anxious when others see my work.  I also get frustrated by imperfections in things I expect to be reasonably perfect (don't get me started on WiFi)
• Zoning-out.  I tend to zone-out (hyper-focus) a lot to get things done, especially on a computer.  By zoning out I mean tend to focus so hard that I pretty much blank out the rest of the world - and people comment on my blank expression, or long stares.  I don't conciously make an effort to zone-out, it just happens after a while.  I can usually ignore most things whilst zoning-out including the urge to go to the loo, and can starve/dehydrate if I'm not careful.  If I can't zone-out then its hard for me to do anything constructive. 
• Special interests.  My main special interest has been computers, since the age of 11 when I was given a ZX-81.  I've always been fascinated by how they work, and when I left college I even built my own (sad I know).  I like to have a good understanding of each part of a computer, and keep myself up to date with new technologies.  I upgrade my own PC when I can to keep it fairly responsive and able to cope with the things I want to do on it.  My current PC is basically so upgraded that its essentially self-built, theres nothing left of the original PC I started with.  I also have a good understanding of networking, and have set up a wired + wireless network at home - and also learnt how to set up a windows server, with a view to building a home-server for backups and running a website from.  You might be able to guess that I get too obsessed and waste a great deal of time on inconsequential things - thats how I feel anyway.
• Stubborn, and unable to cope with change.  I like familiarity, sameness - changes make me anxious, unless I'm ready for change.  I do need a routine to follow otherwise I get anxious, and without a  routine I will just spend all day on my computer - which I know is not good.  Recently we got a dog (called Skip) and that forces me to go out and I now have a routine forced on me every day - I have to get up early each day, and have to go out even if I don't feel like it.  I've struggled with spontaneity, I can't easily think on my feet - I prefer to plan, or at least think through my options.  Interruptions, like the phone ringing, can really bug me - and I find it hard to return to what I was doing.
   
• Poor eye-contact.  I struggle with eye-contact, I feel awkward and so my eyes dart away quickly.  I also feel some people stare at me, like there's something visibly wrong with me.  I tend to struggle to maintain eye-contact when talking, I can't really focus on doing both at the same time.
• Hypersensivity.  I definitely have sensitive hearing, loud noises can make me anxious, and background noise can distract me.  I saw my psychiatrist the other day and I was distracted by the noise her computer was making, the hard-drive was chattering away and I missed some of what she said.  I'm also sensitive to touch, though less now than I used to be - intimate touching used to make me feel anxious, and sick, but it has faded over time and I can now enjoy it.  I'm still a bit freaked when strangers brush against me, or put there hand on me for some reason.  I am also sensitive to certain fabrics and prefer cotton where possible - polyester irritates me, even if just a small amount.  I can't really do anything useful while I'm feeling bugged by something, its just so distracting - I even find it hard to sleep whilst birds are singing, such as the dawn chorus, as it feels intense.  Shouting also really gets to me.  I kind of need silence to feel good/calm, and crave quiet places in the countryside where I can get away from noise.


• Injustice also bugs me - I find it hard to cope when there is injustice in my life, or others.  It hurts me that some people are wealthy to the point of being rediculous, and yet at the same time some are incredibly poor.  I could vent my spleen all day about banks, governments, businesses - but I won't, well, not on this post anyway!
   
• Procrastination - I've always put things off, though not always conciously - most of the time I don't even realise I'm doing it.  Sometimes I know I put things off because I don't feel up to it, some tasks take a lot of preparing for before I can attempt them - like seeing the doctor, or shopping.  I feel incredibly lazy, but its not that I can't be bothered - its usually that I can't get my brain into the right state to do something.  Its ironic that I like things to be neat and organised, yet most of the time I let things get untidy and disorganised - and then all of a sudden can't bear it any more and have to tidy/organise.  Its like my brain gets stuck in loop, it knows I have tasks to do but doesn't kick start me into doing them - I have to drag myself into them against the flow.

I will probably add to this list as I think of things, but thats a good start.